Show Me My Cross
From the Fumi-E to Martyrs Hill
Needing the Courage to Be Disliked
2025 has not been a kind year for me. I began the year with some strange throat sickness which by the end of the month began to heal until I suddenly was come over with pain that felt like a heart attack — The doctor thinks it might be reflux esophagitis, and it has been making it very difficult to breathe. While the condition seems to be slowly improving, I still struggle even now on May 1st, the feast day of Saints Philip and James according to the Western Rite Orthodox calendar.
Eating in particular took a great toll on me (I’ve dropped 10 kg/22 pounds during this whole adventure) and so, in an effort to aid my digestion, I began taking daily walks after supper. Being in pain most of the day, I found it hard to do my typical reading. However, the daily walks gave me the opportunity to fire up an audiobook on Spotify (I don’t actually have that much experience with audiobooks). The first audiobook I found was The Courage To Be Disliked: How to Free Yourself, Change Your Life and Achieve Real Happiness by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.
I don’t know why I decided to listen to that book. Perhaps it was an act of training myself to deal with cognitive dissonance. I’m not a big fan of late 20th/21st century philosophy and especially not Japanese philosophy from that time frame. The Courage To Be Disliked very much fits into that vein, complete with random comments on how nobody could possibly be religious in the 21st century but if anyone would be religious then they could be happy in their ignorance or whatever. I physically cringed several times reading (listening?) to the book. I do not recommend it. But there were a few key takeaways from the book that stayed with me (the I read the book so you don’t have to sparknotes with my interpretation):
You can control yourself. You cannot control others. (Locus of control, which the book annoyingly calls ‘tasks’)
Your duty is to handle the things you can control. Concerning yourself with the affairs of others is a sort of pride and bound to cause disharmony.
Part of this means you cannot control how people will think of you. On the one hand, do not act in such a way in which the goal is to make people like you. On the other hand, do not be concerned when people inevitably dislike you.
Acting in such a way to make other people like you is ultimately changing the behavior of who you are and, to borrow from Jungian psychology, is going to take a toll. The persona is meant to be a tool to help the ego interact with the world, but the persona cannot be so contrary to the ego and always active without creating a sense of inner disharmony.
Human existence ultimately is based in community — Feeling of belonging to a community. We feel we belong when we feel that “it is okay to be here” and we feel that it is “okay to be here” so long as we feel that we are contributing to others.
The book’s biggest insight, I think, is the proposition that community can be bigger than we might expect and that the feeling that we are contributing to others doesn’t necessarily have to be in acts but in being. And that a strong feeling of belonging in one community can lend itself to confidence in other communities like a tether to being. And indeed, the desire to feel like we are contributing to others often manifests itself in people pleasing (which, as we see in the above points, can be dangerous). For our mental wellbeing, the writers argue, we must understand that we contribute to others (some others, and these “others” could be as wide as the universe itself and not necessarily to human beings) by our very being, not our acts.
What is this contribution to others through existing? I don’t recall if the book describes it as such, but it is love. When you love someone, eventually if not immediately you do not love them because of their acts but because of their being. A braindead patient with a heartbeat in a hospital bed is, despite all appearances, still contributing to others by hanging on to life if that patient is loved by someone. And while the book flounders about with the concept of being loved by rocks and stardust and all that jazz, it seems clear to me that we are all, every one of us, loved by God. This love from God is the root, the tether, of all being. And by sharing this love, we can strengthen our tether and enter into different communities more smoothly but at the end of the day, that foundational tether is all one needs.
One needs to recognize the love at the ground of one’s being and it is not dependent on acts. And suddenly, all of life seems different — Life is not about self-improvement. You will never be perfect, and yet you are loved. Do not equate the value of your life with where you are in your self-improvement journey. Goal-setting should not be the driving force of your life. Living such a life is a life never lived but always “en route” to its final destination where it will never reach. We will die before we become perfect and if we postpone life until we become perfect, we will never live.
On the contrary, if we recognize that God (and others) love us for our very being, and therefore we contribute wherever we go, and therefore “it is okay to be here,” then we are part of a community where we can be ourselves and even if some people will hate us for any number of reasons, we need to recognize our value is not based in our acts or relationships with everyone.
Rather than living by goals, we must live in the moment “like a dance.” It is a dance of love, a dance between Creator and creation. I recall Proverbs 8:30-31, as the Son of God describes His relationship with God the Father:
“Then I was by Him, as One brought up with Him: and I was daily His Delight, rejoicing alway before Him; Rejoicing in the habitable part of His earth; and My delights were with the sons of men.”
Is It Okay for Me to Be Here?
This reading was at a time when things were particularly bad in my surroundings, socially speaking. My terrible condition made my regular phone calls with my friend who lives in North Carolina 8,000 miles away and with my girlfriend who lives in Nagoya 1,000 miles away impossible to conduct, even missing church services I regularly attend for a few weeks (at the beginning of Lent, of all times). My social relationships were limited to people at work — And I struggle with people at my workplace all the time.
I am a rural Southerner with rural Southern sensibilities. I moved to Okinawa specifically due to how I value heritage due to my Southern values. And yet I work at a globalist company that values liberalism first and foremost and is filled with workers from other countries. Now, workers from third world countries I tend to get along with — But the Yankees and Europeans drive me up a wall. There is not a single value we share in common. Being outnumbered and wanting to avoid confrontation, I don the mask of the persona constantly, a persona that is completely against my own values. And over time, it hurts.
The Courage to Be Disliked, while being cringe, did bring up good points on things that were obstacles to me in living authentically to who I am. I understand that I have mistaken cowardice for prudence. I have lied, I have stepped on the fumi-e, I have broken myself to avoid judgement from men. But is that not, in itself, pride? Is that coming from a place of fearing being judged because it would hurt my pride? Do I not have faith that Christ is my only real judge? Do I not have faith that He will protect me even if I were to be surrounded by my enemies? Is that not what so many psalms speak of? Would He Who went into the depths of Hell and destroyed it not descend into my office and keep me safe by letting me abide in Him? Why must I be liked by everyone, even at the expense of myself? If I do not live as me, who will live as me for me? Is there shame in being the son of my parents and their lineage, raised under the sun and among the fields of the land my ancestors have lived in for hundreds of years?
Is it not okay for me to be here?
A Little Dose of Arrogance
The past week, I was finally able to resume regular calls with my friend in North Carolina. I have spoken about this friend many times before (he’s really the only friend I’ve maintained regular contact with over the years even with it being mostly digital these days). We’re from the same area with roots that go back far. Our values are closely aligned. I’m truly glad I met him, or else I’d wonder if I had become the only sane person in an insane world. But beyond our similarities, I’ve also admired him in areas of faith. While I was an atheist and more or less disconnected from parts of the culture of our homeland (I wasn’t raised evangelical, for example, and the faith of the evangelicals always seemed foreign to me), he was born and raised deep in the Baptist faith — His father is a pastor. However, by his inquisitive, philosophical, and artistic nature, my friend eventually came to be a traditional Anglican (currently, last I checked, in the Anglican Church of North America). I similarly came to Orthodoxy by similar routes albeit with a different starting point — I did not know God before I came to His Church. My friend, however, very much did but sought to know Him better.
I remember times when we would have lunch together between classes at college and before eating, he would always pray. I found it admirable even as an atheist to see someone faithfully hold to his religion. Indeed, it wasn’t just that — He was always secure in himself and authentically himself wherever he was. Going to college in a liberal arts field, I had to deal with the Lernaean Hydra of our times: the liberal arts professor. I was instructed by my parents to keep my head down, to avoid confrontation with professors as it ran the risk of not succeeding in my grades and boy is a college degree expensive. I needed to get in, get the paper, and get out. My friend, on the other hand, had no such conception of self-preservation and legendarily argued with a professor we had on the concept of jihad.
I was glad to have the opportunity to talk to him about my worries and to ask him just how he did it. In an exercise to digest his advice to me, I have decided to put it to writing in this substack poast.
He identified something that I had not thought of — There is a cultural difference here. I think the Japanese worldview shined through my upbringing, whether explicitly or implicitly, and one of my fundamental values in my older life was the preservation of harmony, of wa, even at the expense of myself. I have a strong sense of honne and tatamae and my honne had been hidden by the mask of tatamae for a long time and now having lived in Japan for five years, that sense has only become stronger.
But a big change was my conversion to Christianity, a worldview that can clash with the Japanese conception of wa so long as wa is conceived as harmony between a community to the depth of personal values. The values of the modern Japanese can recoil when touching the propositionalized faith of Christianity. At the core of Japanese culture is Shinto, at the core of Shinto is Chinese Buddhism, and at the core of Chinese Buddhism is Daoism and at the core of Daoism is a sort of primordial Yahweh-ism that was established in preparation for the coming of the Messiah but unfortunately was codified into the Daodejing in a context long separated by time and space from the Incarnation.1 Laozi teaches that the Way that can be named is not the eternal Way, an accurate saying that finds its fulfilment in Saint Dionysus the Areopagite’s apophatic theology. But as a Christian, I believe the Way, the Truth, and the Life became incarnate in the person of Jesus Christ Who has revealed Himself to us. My conversion to Christianity, in some ways, has created a discordance between my Japanese worldview, the means through which I had been living life, and the Truth. My conversion meant that I needed to do things that transgressed the Japanese worldview.
With prudence, I must learn how to transgress within the Japanese tradition. This nation has produced Christians, Christians of the most faithful caliber, but Christians who had to learn how to transgress nonetheless. In 1597, twenty-six Christians were brought out after a long march from Kyoto to what would become known as Martyrs Hill in Nagasaki. A line of crosses had been prepared to crucify these transgressors, two of those crosses being short for the twelve-year old Saint Ibaraki and thirteen-year old Saint Anthony. Arriving at the hill, one of these little ones said “Show me my cross” with the other following up with “show me mine.” I have no excuse to coward away from making the sign of the cross before I eat my lunch in the staff room. It is better to make the sign of the cross and be honest about my faith than to not sign it.2 It is better to quietly whisper the prayers, but I should not be silent.
Perhaps living authentically, being myself will require training as if it were a physical muscle. I must take little steps and be not ashamed at my inability to be as fearless as my friend. But I must take steps. The sign of the cross before eating in public is the bare minimum.
I must develop the mindset that I want respect from people who I respect but who cares about the opinions of those I don’t respect? (This is being said in the same spirit as the Courage to be Disliked)
A little dose of arrogance can be helpful.
Volunteer information if asked. And if this turns into conflict, simply say “respectfully, I’m on the other side of this question.” You are not at your workplace to share the same views with coworkers. You are there to get work done.
As bad as things could be, I need to ask myself: Will saying this get me punched? If not, then I should not worry. And if saying what I want to say will get me punched, I need to ask — Can I take it? This is the key to freedom.
When people attack God to my face, I need to have the self-respect that I will not tolerate, I will not hear this blatant attack on Something that is the very center of my life.
Prudence is needed in light of the Lord’s commandments, of course. That goes without saying. Studying literature like the themes of Jane Austen could help, as could the experiences of Andrew Klavan, a former atheist Jew in a liberal profession who has very similar experiences to myself in my conversion.
I have mentioned my movement towards “living authentically” almost tongue-in-cheek in the fourth footnote of my last poast. As I continue to make movements towards growing in faith and being comfortable being “authentically” who I am, I have been making efforts to spend my time more wisely. A great post has been this essay about the value of research and writing as leisure, as quality leisure including sharing knowledge. The purpose of this post is multifold:
To practice “writing as if nobody will read it” to get in touch with who I am authentically.
To practice learning who I am through the act of writing my own thoughts. I think I’ve let knowledge of myself slip by for too long the past five years, perhaps ten years. Living alone certainly has done some damage as well.
To take the knowledge I’ve learned and to share it as knowledge should be social and communal. Keeping knowledge to oneself is not good. Making it public is also an act of humility, knowing that your thoughts and opinions will be judged and criticized. It keeps me in communion with other people (and we are all at risk of isolation), but also gives me the opportunity to train my muscles at being judged and therefore developing the courage to be disliked, the ability to live authentically.
Writing is simply a good use of leisure rather than mindlessly scrolling social media (another habit I’m trying to break). It is better to create than to consume.
It outlines some of the thoughts I’ve had lately for anyone curious about what I’m up to and what to expect in the future as the Commander Radix persona continues its journey towards authenticity while also rebuilding and restructuring since the pain of my reflux esophagitis has taken me out of usual video content creation for months. Everything is being restructured.
I’m sure there are more reasons I could list. But I think I’ll leave it off here. May the Master give me the little dose of arrogance I need to help become the person He wants me to be.
I will not elaborate on this here.
I think I did not write a strong enough transition or connection here about living authentically and hiding my faith, but these two are tightly interconnected. When I can develop the courage to be honest about my faith with people who have shown themselves to be anti-Christian, everything else will flow from that.